This one single topic I believe can change your life forever. Stay with me here, this isn’t an infomercial. I want to share with you the idea that the boundaries you have with yourself can drastically affect the relationships you have with yourself, with God, with your friends, family, coworkers. How in the world do you have a boundary with yourself? What is a boundary anyways?
First we need to define what a boundary is. It’s much like a house with a yard and a fence. I often think of my emotional self as a “house” with different “rooms” (parts of myself). I also have a “porch” where decisions take place: It’s there that I decide what I’m willing to take inside my “house” (my emotional self). For example, when someone gives me a compliment I literally picture it as someone giving me flowers on my door step. I choose to bring them inside to admire them for a while. Those flowers (compliments) look good, smell good, and brighten my day in my home but do not determine its worth or value. My house is the same whether or not there are flowers inside. Another example would be when some people try to hand me a heaping pile of steaming poo that also looks like a guilt trip. I can choose to bring it inside into my house where I have to smell it and hold it and cry over the effects of this lingering gift. Or I can stand on my porch and hand it right back to them and say “currently I am not accepting guilt trips.” No poo in my house! But outside my house is my yard with a fence. It separates me from other people, everyone in fact. I am the only one who lives in my house and it is my job to protect it. Sometimes I have neighbors on the other side of my fence that I call friends and family who help me from time to time but ultimately this is my responsibility to decide who comes in and out. If someone crosses that line without being invited there will be consequences. Now, don’t get me wrong I do let people in. Those people have my trust and I allow them into my home, some people different rooms than others. This is the vulnerability glue that holds us together with other humans. It is part of our ingrained primal instincts to be a part of our herd, our humanness. Some let others come and go in and out of their house, leaving it in ruins, with little value because they didn’t protect their fence line and then resent them for ruining their house. Others have let no one in their house in years because someone tried to burn it down once- so they live like hoarders with piles of stuff they haven’t gone through. So much so, they can’t even walk around, they just stay in one room. (Are you following, this analogy is getting deep…)
So now we are operating under the assumption that our emotional selves are a house with one owner and it is our job to protect the house, yard and fence. What happens when someone crosses it uninvited? It really depends on what it is. Maybe the person didn’t see it – they didn’t know it was there and you just need to bring it to their attention- in a kind way. Like “Hey I saw you texted me last night. I turn my ringer off at 8:30 so I won’t be answering any texts or phone calls after that.” Or maybe you need to reinforce it: “Like I said before, I don’t want your wet bathing suit to be left on the floor. Please respect our household rules or there will be consequences.” But sometimes people do not respect your boundaries and mow over them- almost challenging you to enforce them: “Next time you choose to come to my house without calling me first you will not be allowed in.”
The main thing that makes a boundary a boundary isn’t the fence – it is what happens if someone crosses it. Otherwise, why would it be there? Consequences to boundaries ideally should be considered at the same time of placing the boundary; Although, sometimes you don’t have time to think about it, because you thought it wouldn’t be crossed. For instance, a guy grabs your butt at a party- do you slap them? Tell them off? Call the police and file a report? The last one is a bit extreme but you get the point. The consequence should be one that “fits” your conviction to the boundary. If you don’t want your mother-in-law absolutely to not give your children ice cream, and this is extremely important to you, then you may threaten that they may not spend time together unsupervised. But this may not be an issue for others.
One reason I am in love with PD (personal development) is because I realized I get to grow and learn and become a better version of myself through teaching myself things like boundaries. A fascination with psychology of humans, I suppose. Because, like many others, I didn’t grow up in a household where these things were talked about, or even known about. I am so grateful and honored that I get to be the one to stop these patterns of behavior and instill them in later generations. I get to alter the course of my own family and help others do the same. I am by no means perfect and need do overs, permission slips to be human, and have to clean up messy deliveries of information. But that’s ok because that means that I’m trying and that I care.
Which brings me to my main point- we know how to have boundaries with other people and the consequences but how do we have boundaries with ourselves? This is something so many people struggle with and it looks like self-control– which is a piece of boundaries anyways. It takes self-control to not blow up on your husband for not putting his dishes in the sink. Instead of yelling (which is what we want to do because we probably feel unappreciated) is realizing first that it is NORMAL that we want to yell- we are being human. But we have evolved and realize that he is also human, we assume he did not have ill-willed intention toward you, we give him grace and say “Hey babe, I saw you left your dishes in the sink after dinner. It would really mean a lot to me if you put them in the dishwasher next time.” Chances are when your husband, who loves and cares for you, hears that kind request, instead of yelling, he will probably respond with a willingness to help- rather than look for a spiteful defense from the attack of all the yelling.
Grace + Self-control + Kindness = Boundaries with self (aka a term I’m going to coin as Autogenous Boundaries).
What does this look like?
I go through a process in my head. For an easy example let’s say there’s a warm chocolate chip cookie in the breakroom at work. I’ve been on a diet and lost two pounds and really I don’t want to eat the cookie because I know it will derail the rest of the day. But my salad is gone from my stomach already and I have 3 hours left of work. So first I acknowledge my primal human self: “Of course you want to have that cookie! It looks and smells so good and you’re hungry!” Then I set the Autogenous Boundary: “But the reality is you know what will happen if you eat the cookie, it negates the salad you worked so hard to choke down and will probably come with a autogenous guilt trip which will mean a stop for some fried chicken on the way home. So if you decide to eat that cookie you will regret it and not lose the weight OR you will have to have that protein shake for dinner (consequences).” It sounds simple because it is.
Something I was not taught, but now that I am in my thirties, I am fortunate to have learned what types and flavors of abuse there are: physical, emotional, spiritual, verbal, sexual, and there may be more. I wish everyone was taught not to accept certain behaviors but also how to have Autogenous Boundaries to avoid it themselves. Behaviors I may have used to but no longer tolerate without exception are:
- Violations of my body (physical or sexual aggression or threats)
- Name calling and belittling
- Violent intimidation, threats, or violent behavior (slamming doors, throwing things, breaking things, punching things)
- False accusations of my intentions
- Snarky comments
- Guilt trips
- “Always and never” statements
- Voice raising
- Actual finger pointing
- Threat of harm to myself or other living things, including suicide
These things stay on the other side of the fence and if they occur all kinds of alarms get set off. Once, I went to buy a clock from someone. It was not as described and was broken. I politely declined to buy the piece. They then started cursing, yelling, and threatening to “beat up” my husband who was not present. I quickly removed myself from the scene and filed a police report. While some might say “he called you a mean name get over it,” he threatened the safety of my husband and disrespected my boundary of how I feel I deserve to be treated. You teach people how to treat you based on what you tolerate- what you allow will continue. That is a necessary piece to drive the whole idea of boundaries- your house has to be worth protection TO YOU, regardless of the value others place on your house. (Click on What God Says About Me for how to find value in your house). It is how you (and God) value your house- whether it is a pristine mansion or a shaky shack- it’s up to you to place enough value on it to protect it. Whatever kind of house you have emotionally it is worth protecting at all costs. Until you can believe that, you will not have the stamina to protect it. If you don’t currently identify with that statement: “my (emotional) house is worth protecting at all costs,” you can use progressive language like “I’m figuring out how to value my house,” or “I’m on my way to see what it looks like to value my house in order to protect it.” If you are consistent then eventually you can believe it.
So now we have our valuable house with a yard and fence and we are standing on the porch with a gun. Okay, maybe not a gun, maybe welcoming arms with a discerning alarm system. These alarm systems are like muscles – the more you use them the better they become. So don’t beat yourself up if you are “trigger happy” when you first start to protect your fence line. But trust your gut- if it smells fishy it’s usuallya fish.
All this lead up to say: Autogenous Boundaries are like boundaries with others, except with yourself. Acknowledge the human wants and gut reactions. Give yourself grace and an allowance to be a human. Then understand the consequences and don’t allow yourself to fall into patterns of behavior because you didn’t have good boundaries with yourself. This is how people gain weight, get lazy at work, gain additions, quit brushing their teeth, live their life being swallowed in unnecessary guilt and shame, and tolerate being a people-pleasing doormat. (How to be a Christian without being a doormat). I have heard myself in an argument say in my head “no self, you’re not going to say that!” Or “If you don’t brush your teeth I’m going to spank you!”-not a real consequence. But what about a mom who has a child with an addiction: “Of course you want to give him money to get his car out of impound, but we are not going to do that because he has to suffer the consequences of his own actions.” Or the very rampant problem, infidelity? Go through the process: “Of course you want to go flirt with the security guard at work. You have been going through a lot in your marriage lately. It’s human to crave belonging. BUT there are some SERIOUS consequences to that- so we are not going to do that. We will instead avoid the temptation and take the stairs.” (Just to clarify that was a made up scenario). But you get the idea.
If we can give ourselves grace for our human wants, and even primal needs, then we can better set behavioral boundaries with ourselves- whether it’s about our weight, our arguments, our addictions, or our relationships. That understanding will then free us to live our best life- one that we can be proud of.
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us. power, love, and self-discipline.” -II Timothy 1:7
Photo credit: Lauren Garrison Photography